Being a parent has been the most beautiful, stressful, amazing, anxiety ridden, wondrous job I have ever had. I'm sure any parent can tell you that the moment your child is born, your life changes completely. Everything you do or don't do affects your children. I almost think there should be someone to preside over a wedding for you and your child on the day they enter this world. This way you get to go through all the vows of how, for their entire lives, you will you love, care and respect this little being, with the added caveat of "for better or for worse". That last line is oh so important for parents to realize from the get go.
Moving through parenthood, I have found things that benefited us as a family and things that I have changed as each one grew. Parenting is a life of trial and error, but the most important thing is that you are acting from a place of love. Although my husband's and my techniques may not always have the results we intended, we acted with pure intention. Parenting isn't about manipulating your children into behaving a certain way, it isn't about putting on a face so that others think you're the best, it isn't about being their friend (that comes later in life). As we have realized, parenting is about teaching, but it is also about learning. Part of that learning comes from your children. Letting go of the ego that wants to always be right we have come to understand that at times we, as parents, are the students and the children are our teachers.
My husband and I have been on quite the roller coaster ride, but it is one that we do not intend to get off of, even through the "for worse" times. For us, open parenting has been one thing that has benefited us and our children. With this, I mean that we do not hover over every little thing they do. Children will, and should, learn to make their own choices. Even though there have been, and will be, plenty of times that we could foresee the train wreck in the distance, they need to learn there are consequences to their choices. Would I like to keep each of our children in this safe little bubble I created in my mind? Absolutely, but then what would be the point? What kind of life would this be for them, or us, without experience as the guide for future choices. Our children know that they can tell us anything, and believe me, some things we really wish they would have kept to themselves. Nevertheless, they need to know there is someone there that will not judge them, because there will be plenty of other children and their parents who have mastered the art of judging.
We have learned that there is no sense in pretending our children are angels 100% of the time. We know, and they know we know, that they are not perfect little angels. Expecting perfection is a tragic mistake parents make. In wanting perfection, you are only setting yourself and your child up for failure. Perfection is an unattainable word that exists in a magical land. In my humblest opinion, get rid of it! Our children have made mistakes, just as we have.
When children put on the Eddie Haskell effect, as I call it, they are not being themselves, instead they are putting on a false perception to deceive. Don't get me wrong, children should be taught manners and common courtesy (which, by the way, is lacking for many, including their parents). What I am talking about it the over the top, fake, huge smile and high octave voice that many use to hide the not so great behavior they really do when not around their parents and other adults. This is where I believe my husband and I have made positive connections with our children in that they do not feel they need to put on a mask, which then results in poor behavior and choices behind our backs. If your child is a teen and seems to be this super sweet angel all the time, you might want to reevaluate the situation and be honest with yourself. In my opinion, this is a disservice to them as they will grow up to be unhappy adults who wear a mask and pretend to be something they are not. When, in reality, they are extremely miserable inside and this will create all kinds of health and relationship issues.
I am not a psychologist or relationship expert, all I know is what works and does not work for myself and my family. What I do know is that we have raised strong, intelligent, honest and compassionate beings. To elaborate on the last point, in teaching our children compassion for others, they have learned to have compassion for themselves as well. Having compassion for themselves is a critical step in their well being. They know that there will be choices they make that may bring positive or negative results, but they also know with that comes experience and lessons, leading them to continue growing into the exquisite beings they are, inside and out. xoxoxo
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